I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Randomize
