ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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