Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Randomize
