The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
