but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
