Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
