Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
