why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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