I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
