I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
