OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
