Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
