what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
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