The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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