Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
