Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Randomize
