in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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