You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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