I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Randomize
