2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
