In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
