My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
