I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
