The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
