I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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