Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I need to align my fucking chakras
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