my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
