1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
please come you make the beer taste better
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
Randomize
