so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
