I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
