i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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