She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
