Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
