You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
We're not piercing ourselves today.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Randomize
