Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
