I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
you win again, gameday.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You may now shotgun with the bride
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Randomize
