just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
