I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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