Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
