before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
