new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
