My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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