I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
There's a naked man in my car right now.
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
