Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Randomize
