im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Randomize
