need another drink. this is the easiest way
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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