i just wanna soil my oats bro
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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