my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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