im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
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