I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
