Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
