dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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