It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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