shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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